aQuaTIP

Flaming Visitors

This weekend was the 6th annual Flaming Film Festival here in Minneapolis. Melody and Burgess came up to visit for it and, along with Jeff, we all volunteered at the special curated screenings from Cinekink at the Bedlam on Friday night.  The first program was "Twisted Knickers," which was a gay male specific bender and then the final program was "Best of Cinekink."  They both were pretty good with highlights including (for me anyway, as all four of us liked different ones) the short called PISSIES NOT SISSIES about the consumption of urine in a bathroom at IML in Chicago and PORNOGRAPHIC APATHETIC, which could have been plain awful, but worked out very well--I'd tell you what it was about, but if I ruined the device of the short for you, it would be much less entertaining with you having had time to think about how you might present a similar short.

We explored the new library, the Cedar Riverside area and had a great time.  It was nice to have Iowa Citians in my midst again.  See, I knew how much I've grown to treasure Iowa City and how much I miss it now, even though I am still quite pleased with my decision to move to Minneapolis, but it surprised me how much fun it would be to sort of show Iowa City how much it would like Minneapolis--with Melody and Burgess being the sort of ambassadors.

The visitors were nice to have, but it also managed to highlight the one major deficiency that Minneapolis still has for me (that sometimes feels more major than at other times) and that is that I just simply don't have many friends here.  There are a few people I see frequently that I'd rather not have around and there are a few people I think are really fascinating and wonderful who, probably as a result of being fascinating and wonderful, are generally pretty booked up to their ears with things to do, which is cool, just a bummer for me.  Ah well.  I'm not down about it, really, it's just something I wish could be different right now before I start law school when, with my job also on my plate, I'll be incredibly busy and will not get to spend the time I'd like to on building good relationships with Minneapolis folk and volunteering at neat places that deserve help.

It is very warm outside.

"Mom, move onto the next question!"

I was pissed off that a homoanxiety breakdown phone call is what woke me up and kept me up this morning, but I'll live--I may have to kill Jeff or his mom though. *smile*

This morning around 8:30am, the phone rang.  Matt was up wandering around, so he picked it up.  It was Jeff's mom and she wanted Matt to go wake him up so she could talk to him.

Jeff and I are in a Philosophy class, which means we don't ever have class until 1pm, so he was pretty well livid.  His mother started beating around the bush, which was pissing him off because he just wanted to go back to sleep and then she popped the question:

"Are you gay?"  I don't recall his response exactly, but the question itself arose because last night Jeff had sent his dad an e-mail saying that he and I were planning on living together after college and I assume they just recalled that I'm gay and made that cavernous leap from my being gay to Jeff being gay from that piece of news.

At one point Jeff said "I'm not even going to dignify that with a response."  At the time I didn't know what he was responding to, but now that I do, I appreciate it.  After he got off the phone (which is located in the room I share with Matt and Bob), I laughed so hard that THAT was why his mother had wanted to talk about with him so badly.

I explained that I thought perhaps they had missed that living with a homosexual has a spurious relationship to oneself's being homosexual and that ... I dunno ... having sex with people of the opposite sex has at least a relatively reliable negative statistical relationship with being gay.

At any rate, we laughed a lot and while Jeff, the punk, got to go back to sleep because he can sleep anytime he wants, I was up for the long-haul after that.

Just remember kids: unless you want to be gay, don't live with a homosexual after college!

on anti-gay amendments

an excerpt from the NYTimes:

Of the 11 states with ballot initiatives seeking to ban same-sex marriages, Oregon is the only one where thousands of gay couples were married last spring, mirroring similar marriages in San Francisco.

The San Francisco unions were nullified in August, but the Oregon Supreme Court has yet to rule on the legal status of 3,000 gay couples married in Multnomah County, which includes Portland.

Many married gay couples spent much of Tuesday following the returns on television and on Web sites. LeAnn Loche, 37, a graphic designer who lives in Portland and was married last March to her partner of nine years, described Election Day as gut-wrenching.

"I'm just a mess today," said Ms. Loche, a volunteer for the No on Constitutional Amendment 36 movement.

"It's the weirdest thing to have politics be so incredibly personal," she said. "This is about the possibility that half of the state of Oregon thinks that I don't deserve to be treated equally as the majority of the people in the state. And I just can't fathom that, because I don't see myself as a monster."

http://www.nytimes.com/2004/11/03/politics/campaign/03gay.html?hp&ex=1099544400&en=d2d257d9a4b83127&ei=5094&partner=homepage

Same-sex marriage protects kids

In 2002 Richard Lo was understandably scared—his partner Patrick Callaghan was suffering from hereditary polycystic kidney disease and had been waiting for over a year for a kidney donation that provided a match suitable for transplant. Patrick’s mother and two of his brothers had died from the disease, and it was not clear if the donation would come in time.

In most states and in most countries, the partner of a dying gay, lesbian or bisexual person has no legal right to be with their loved one as a spouse would. Even so, a significant segment of people that oppose equal rights for lesbian and gay people that I’ve spoken with while lobbying at the Iowa General Assembly in the past few years and also at the U.S. Congress seem to sincerely deplore the thought of any two people who care deeply for one another being kept apart during times of great personal catastrophe. While I find it reassuring to know that the people who strive to deprive gay and lesbian people of equal protection and rights under the law carry with them some modicum of respect for these long-term relationships, one wouldn’t need to imagine a world where they could be separated by an unenlightened hospital or hospice staff if it weren’t for the lack of legal recognition for gay and lesbian couples.

So often the arguments heard in and around the debates over same-sex marriage focus solely on two individuals, but a family is, often, so much more. Lesbian and gay couples have been raising children for decades—the State of Iowa actually began the active recruitment of same-sex couples to become foster parents in the late 1970s. Studies endorsed by the American Psychological Association and developmental specialists have indicated that children raised by same-sex couples grow to be as healthy as their counterparts reared by heterosexuals—some of those same studies have also shown some indications that those children raised by same-sex couples may even be less likely to engage in violent behaviors.

During Cornell’s Student Symposium in 2002 I presented a paper in which I argued that the lack of this legal recognition put children in great jeopardy. While many employers do offer health benefits to the domestic partners of employees—many do not. Say, for instance, that a child is legally adopted by only one father and the other father has the sole gainful employment perhaps due to a series of lay-offs. Now also assume that the father with gainful employment works for Snapple and does not receive domestic partnership benefits. It is possible that as a result of this exclusionary corporate behavior that the child of the two men is left without some or all of the elements of healthcare that she might need.
Some clever social conservatives might say that I’ve just made part of the case for denying lesbian and gay citizens the right to raise children. Really though, what I think I’ve done is mention just two situations in a tremendously long list that illustrates why the equality of same-sex and heterosexual couples is a necessary component of contemporary American society.

I haven’t forgotten about Richard and Patrick, the couple concern about Patrick’s failing kidney. It is often compared to winning a very chance lottery, but in this instance Richard was able to donate one of his healthy kidneys in order to save his loved one Patrick.

It really does astound me that social conservatives, in a country with a 50% divorce rate, are willing to make any argument that protecting marriage from interlopers such as Richard and Patrick will do anything at all aside from deny two people the protections that they deserve.

by Addy Free, Opinions Editor
The Cornellian vol. 125, issue 2

straight-acting seeks other

I was chatting in a gay.com chatroom today and I saw three profiles that described themselves as "straight-acting."

Givens, which I think even the "straight-acting" guys can agree on:
*A straight man is one who is sexually attracted to women.
*A gay man is one who is sexually attracted to men.

Other Assumptions:
*Men express themselves in a variety of ways.
*Straight men are sometimes mistaken for gay men.
*Gay men are sometimes mistaken for straight men.
*It is reasonable to expect that some people behave in a very consistent manner that doesn't tend to change from situation to situation, while other people may behave in quite dynamic manners (changing frequently).

Things Old People Say:
*Call a spade a spade.

Exposition:
Many gay men refer to themselves as "straight-acting" in order to accomplish many diverse goals. They may want to detach themselves from issuances of gay pride sentiments/displays that are sometimes tacky or asthetically offensive or that are preceived to be or are actually serving the purpose of seperating gay people from straight people along unnecessary lines.

While I doubt the ability of many "straight-acting" gay men to stake an academic claim to the integration of varied sexual orientations, I think it's worth going on about for a few more sentences. I often agree with the thought that gay pride and gay-exclusive environments does more to work against gay folk than it does to empower. However, I think the development of a strong community identity is important. I believe that gay people should support gay owned and operated establishments, I believe gay people should vote for public figures that acknowledge the importance of the contributions of gay people locally.

The reason that I believe that there should be a strong community identity is because people die as a result of their being gay. Obviously, gay people are not integrated fully with straight people and because of that some straight people are tremendously uncomfortable with individual gay people or perhaps just the concept of homosexuality generally. The problem is that these discomforts, manifested in a culture of violence, carry with them the possibility of great physical violence. So? Addy, isn't that a good arguement for working towards greater integration? Yes and no. People that dislike gay people aren't going to integrate ... they will remove themselves from situations where gay people are. But then also, yes, integration is important and here's where the good gay pride comes in.

Being out and open about one's sexual orientation as a gay person in general life is incredibly important to the realization of a goal of integration, where gay people can live in whatever city suits their needs (including small rural villages) and in whatever job they might want to undertake (including professional athlete). If people, generally, are exposed to gay people who care about the communities that they live in, their neighbors and their jobs--if gay folks are doctors, lawyers, shop owners, school principals, teacher's aides, secretaries, plumbers and local artists and if their sexual orientation is a readily access part of that person, then homosexuality becomes just another common element that a person might be, rather than an alien characteristic that's far flung from the realities the communities of "regular" people.

You may think I've gotten a bit off track, but I disagree. I think that people's want to be accepted as normal has led them to define themselves not as masculine, which they very well may be, but as "straight-acting," which carries with it a number of meanings. It means that they are masculine, but not only. It also means that they believe that to be gay-acting is to have a particular set of mannerisms. It means that the people that call themselves straight-acting are buying into and SELLING a stereotypes of gay men.

Accurate ways of describing the mannerisms of gay men are spectral, on a continuum with poles of masculine and feminine. These are divorced from sexual orientation. They imply that a straight man can act either feminine or masculine and that a gay man, similarly, can act either feminine or masculine without adopting a label that having to compare themselves to heterosexuals--a person who is straight-acting fucks women. "Straight-acting," by virtue of its construction implies that the person who is straight-acting adopts and applies the characteristics of a straight man; it implies that they fuck women.

People need to use the words that they mean and not the words that they think people want to hear. Specificity. Specificity. Specificity.

the boys

Not that I've been particularly idle while down here in Phoenix, but I have had a lot of time to think while sorting and marking music, etc. and so I've been thinking about how I became who I am, about my family and more specifically, my siblings: our differences, similarities and how our mother's life choices have impacted and will continue to shape our lives.

The thing that my mind most often comes back to though is how boys have shaped my life and taught me most of what I know about people, which is kind of sad, but true at any rate. This post will be perhaps both mushy and "mean."

Let's see if I can't get these in order--this will be a feat! Oh, but some of these folks aren't part of an order.. they are just sort of omnipresent in terms of a given timeline in my life.

Faron Kraemer. I learned that strong emotions can just as easily be attached to cherished relics as to physical presences and that it is the meaning of a person that we will tend to care most about--the physical, elemental being is perhaps secondary. It was with this boy that I first tasted love and when I wrote my first poem, although I was already bitter from having lived in Ottumwa for too long as a gay boy, so I steered very far away from the cliche of the love poem and in having done so, the poems from that time were probably the most cliched I've written since. If I ever subjected you to them, forgive me, but I meant everything I said anyway.

Brian Griffith. Well, Brian is the first person I ever had any sort of sexual intercourse with (so far as I can recall) and I think that leaves a profound mark on a young person. But more than the sexual end of our brief relationship, I remember the first morning and the last morning we spent together vividly--that imagery has stuck with me and become a part of my personal asthetic. We stood outside of the twin's house in Chadron, Nebraska on a fairly chilly fall morning and we kissed in their driveway. Brian was about three or four inches taller than I was and all I can remember is the texture of his skin and hair, the taste of his mouth and that the fog around us came up to just above our knees and I thought, "how beautiful," and at the time I didn't finish my thought with "just like him." I knew later that sometimes textures and tastes won't ever be rendered in complete sentences and that powerful things like those feelings a teenage boy has towards another are at once too base and carnal and also too complex and full of depth and resolution for us to communicate verbally. I figured then that it was nice that I had started to write poetry because it was the only way I could ever tell anyone how much I really cared for them. I also learned how to con my mom into buying my boyfriend's gifts on my behalf. Later, the memory of my mother buying Brian oologne because I didn't have any money to do it would be something that compeled my first serious contemplation of what my future might be like with children--the image of being able to buy my own son something for his love interest because he wanted to better court them--how cute, even if it is terrible consumer-culture oriented. =)

Luke Gutzwiller. Short people do have a reason to live (thanks in no small part to Randy Newman [sp?]), but I also learned that young people really are young even if part of their allure was that they were older--older is never all that much older because people will always tend to make their mistakes and you will always tend to be a part of them. One can either be upset by that or learn to accept it and then see that when a person is willing to make mistakes in front of you and to talk about them with you, that that is something very beautiful and something to love.

Josh Hurley. We went to high school together in Ottumwa. I came out before he did. He was older. I was always in love with his body, but never with him as a whole boy because when I first met him, I felt like I wanted him to be my broher. When he came out, my grandmother heard about him being kicked out of his home and she, along with my grandfather took him in. He became one of their grandchildren for a time and the love he showed my grandparents taught me that the families we care about and the ones that care about us have nothing to do with blood ties or the length of time we've known someone. The desire to care for others and the bravery it takes to act on that is the start of family. When my grandmother died I thought that the absolute greatest tragedy that I have known so far in my life has not been any of the "interesting" predicaments I've ended up in, but rather that the boy my grandmother took wouldn't know that she had died (and he probably still does not know as I write this). We haven't heard from Josh since sometime in 2002. Josh also taught me helplessness as a result of that. I can usually use my resources to make an attempt at the results I'm looking for in an outcome, but becuse his family cares so little about him, I am unable to locate him or get any sort of a hook on where he might be and so I remain helpless for now in my attempts to tell him about the death of our grandmother.

The Boys of Iowa City. Oh man, were there a lot of them! These boys of Iowa City taught me that sex should not be inexplicably attached to love or even relationships. Sex is not making love and making love doesn't have to be about sex. Sex is intercourse--fun, vibrant and youthful. Fucking doesn't have to be something sacred that is to be saved only for relationships and it shouldn't be because then relationships become entangled with the confused adolescent lust and people stay in relationships for all sorts of stupid fucked up reasons.

Travis. I learned from Travis that sometimes the path you are lead into has such a strong pull that you can't ever get away from it. It isn't your fault, it isn't really anyone's fault, but what it is happens to be reality. Yes, you can always break from that reality, but then, what's left? It takes the strongest of people to rebuild every notion of reality from scratch so I don't blame people who will not make that leap.

Scott Spilger. No matter how much you love someone, sometimes it will just never be enough for them or for you; not to get the point across and not to realize the point yourself. Sometimes it is better to bail and to cut your loss.

The Boy in the Snow. I often tell people that I know a guy isn't for me if they order the Rosemary Porkchops at The Sanctuary in Iowa City--they no longer have it on their menu, but the story still stands. I used to be able to tell if I was going to be able to date a guy by taking them to Sanctuary (my favorite restuarant and pub). An uncanny number of them would get Rosemary Porkchops of all things and I later realized that those guys all turned out to be pricks--all except for one. Now, his name is being withheld to protect him from his current life, but surfice it to say that he is beautiful and many, many of you that read this knew him when you were younger. I learned, and still learn, from him that as I change and grow, that the history I carry with me, that includes my encounters with him, are like sediment and that he seems to want everything that comes with me, including those deposits. But, I've also learned that after a certain point, it takes a great deal of unlearning to seriously change our personalities and that I am happy with the one that I have. It is more the encounters and less him that helped me realize that, but his beautiful smile and great conversations don't hurt matters much.

Patrick Titus. I learned that intense physical beauty can fool even the most perceptive boys into ignoring great voids in personality and intellect. Beautiful face, hair, eyes, chest and cock can whisk away a young man's heart with his hormones and make the coming to reality a devestating tail-spin. That is something I should already have known about and showed me that no matter how cocky I get, there will always, ALWAYS be something I fault others for that I will stumble over myself if I haven't already done so. I'd say it taught me humility, but that comes later.

Patrick Herrera. Sometimes the boys don't mean to change, but they do anyway. I'm still learning from this one...

Ryan Hitchon. Owen Dockham. Derek Johnson. and even Alaska. The straight boys that changed my perception of straight boys. I love these guys a lot.

Marty Pfeiffer. My Mormon. Cara DeHart. Jerid Counterman. The boys and then men who are my mythical elements and one ladyfriend who will always be my boyfriend in waiting. These are the guys who shaped my notions of what it meant to be a young man and also the realities of being gay and also those who led me to question notions of what masculinity was during a time when I shunning it. These people supported me and rejuvenated me and gave me thoughts and hopes and a constant during their tenure. It is with these people that I feel the greatest connections--the need to give back to them and to be whatever it is that they need, when they need it from me.

The most important thing that my mythical elements have given me is a great sense of responsibility to them. And while I don't think I'm all the way there, I think that the hardest thing for us to learn as young adults and sometimes as older adults, is that responsibility isn't a great weight to carry or an extra task to take on, but a compliment and a tremendous gift.

New Album -- RNC 2004

New album up for a few weeks. Photos from the event surrounding the 2004 Republican National Convention.

Gov. McGreevey of NJ Resigns

For those of you who are painfully blind to the world around you, the Governor of the State of New Jersey resigned today (Thursday) after acknowledging that he had had an extramarital affair with another man.

Transcript of Gov. James E. McGreevey of New Jersey's announcement of his resignation at the State House in Trenton, as recorded by The New York Times.

Throughout my life I have grappled with my own identity, who I am.

As a young child, I often felt ambivalent about myself, in fact confused. By virtue of my traditions and my community, I worked hard to ensure that I was accepted as part of the traditional family of America.

I married my first wife, Kari, out of respect and love. And together we have a wonderful, extraordinary daughter. Kari then chose to return to British Columbia.

I then had the blessing of marrying Dina, whose love and joy for life has been an incredible source of strength for me. And together we have a most beautiful daughter.

Yet from my early days in school until the present day, I acknowledged some feelings, a certain sense that separated me from others. But because of my resolve, and also thinking that I was doing the right thing, I forced what I thought was an acceptable reality onto myself, a reality which is layered and layered with all the quote "good things" and all the quote "right things" of typical adolescent and adult behavior.

Yet at my most reflective - maybe even spiritual - level, there were points in my life when I began to question what an acceptable reality really meant for me. Were there realities from which I was running? Which master was I trying to serve?

I do not believe that God tortures any person simply for its own sake. I believe that God enables all things to work for the greater good.

In this, the 47th year of my life, it is arguably too late to have this discussion. But it is here, and it is now.

At a point in every person's life, one has to look deeply into the mirror of one's soul and decide one's unique truth in the world, not as we may want to see it or hope to see it, but as it is.

And so my truth is that I am a gay American. And I am blessed to live in the greatest nation, with a tradition of civil liberties, the greatest tradition of civil liberties in the world, and a country which provides so much to its people.

Yet, because of the pain and suffering and anguish that I have caused to my beloved family - my parents, my wife, my friends - I would almost rather have this moment pass. For this is an intensely personal decision and not one typically for the public domain.

Yet it cannot and should not pass.

I am also here today because, shamefully, I engaged in an adult consensual affair with another man, which violates my bonds of matrimony. It was wrong. It was foolish. It was inexcusable.

And for this, I ask the forgiveness and the grace of my wife. She has been extraordinary throughout this ordeal, and I am blessed by virtue of her love and strength.

I realize the fact of this affair and my own sexuality, if kept secret, leaves me, and most importantly the governor's office, vulnerable to rumors, false allegations and threats of disclosure.

So I am removing these threats by telling you directly about my sexuality.

Let me be clear: I accept total and full responsibility for my actions.

However, I am required to do now - to do what is right to correct the consequences of my actions and to be truthful to my loved ones, to my friends and my family and also to myself.

It makes little difference that as governor I am gay. In fact, having the ability to truthfully set forth my identity might have enabled me to be more forthright in fulfilling and discharging my constitutional obligations.

Given the circumstances surrounding the affair and its likely impact upon my family and my ability to govern, I have decided the right course of action is to resign.

To facilitate a responsible transition, my resignation will be effective on Nov. 15 of this year.

I am very proud of the things we have accomplished during my administration and I want to thank humbly the citizens of the state of New Jersey for the privilege to govern.

John Kerry Sucks My Ass

John Kerry really, truly is a douche bag, but I am going to vote for him anyway.

Firing Margaret Cho! Good lord, man.

Spiderman 2

Tonight I went with Patrick to see Spiderman 2 even though I still have yet to see the first one. I had been excited to see it and I wasn't disappointed at all--it was REALLY fun.

Perhaps the best single moment in the movie was based entirely on the context given to the scene by the actor's most noted role. Given the role, it's reasonable to expect that a very large percentage of the audience for the film won't understand how fun the moment is. What the hell am I talking about?

At one point, Spiderman (as played by Toby McGuire) gets into an elevator after having lost some of his powers--he's headed down and so is Guy in the Elevator (as the credits refer to him), who is played by Hal Sparks, the actor who portrays Michael Novotny in Showtime's Queer As Folk. Now, if you don't know Queer As Folk, this is entertaining because Michael is intensely into comic books and super heros and even starts his own comic book with another character and also starts up his own comic book store. So, now Spiderman walks in and the man in the elevator character that Sparks is playing says something like "Nice Spidey costume." And Spiderman says, "Thanks." After being asked where he got it, he responds that he made it and then there's an uncomfortable pause. Perhaps the best part for me was when Spiderman then said that the only problem was that it itches sometimes and that it rides up in the crotch and the guy in the elevator has this adorable smirk.

You could tell the queers and the fans in the audience, because we all busted into giggles... sad. =)